


THE ROOM (in detroit)

by ValentineRunaway



Category: Detroit: Become Human (Video Game)
Genre: M/M, The Room, a crack fic, leave me alone, my own au and shit, no beta we die like men, this is fucking shit i know i love it, unfinished work
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2019-01-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 13:49:07
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,096
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17163104
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ValentineRunaway/pseuds/ValentineRunaway
Summary: Hank is a successful banker or something who lives happily in a San Francisco (also known as Detroit) townhouse with his fiancée, Connor. One day, inexplicably, he gets bored with him and decides to seduce his best friend, Gavin Reed. From there, nothing will be the same again.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A very serious fic, totally my original idea, I have never seen 'The Room' so stop asking !!!!!!!!!
> 
>  
> 
> Written by ValentineRunaway  
> Produced by ValentineRunaway  
> Directed by ValentineRunaway

 

In Detroit, there is one single room where all the scenes are filmed in and it looks like one of those IKEA rooms where everything is a fucking mess. I mean, that’s why there is framed pictures of spoons on the table, and the TV is behind the chair. It’s an ugly room, and it’s the only room in Detroit.

 

Hank walks into the house, opening the door that was surprisingly closed. “Hi, babe”, he called out, holding something behind his back. His andro- I mean, his cop partne- I mean, his wife named Connor got up from the couch and walked over to him.

 

“I’ve got something for you”, said Hank.

“What is it?” said Connor.

“Just a little something.”

 

Connor tries to peek behind Hank’s back, but he blocks him, epic move. Connor tries to look from the other side, but Hank keeps hiding the gift he has bought for Connor for some reason, not like the surprise was gone already. Hank finally gave Connor the obvious gift box, and once opened there was a simple ugly ass red dress inside.

 

“Oh, it’s beautiful”, Connor lied. “Can I wear it?”

“Sure, it’s yours”, says Hank, really not interested in Connor wearing the dress he bought with his big money.

 

Well, here comes Connor down the spiral staircase with the red dress on. There is nothing special about it. Hank most likely bought it from a flea market with his big money wallet.

 

“Wow, you look so sexy, Con”, Hank said, laying comfortably on the couch. Connor spun around a little, showing the red dress from every direction while t-posing.

“Isn’t it fabulous?” Connor asked. In the year 2038, or whatever year Detroit: Become Human is based on again, no one uses the word ‘fabulous’.

“I’d do anything for my princess”, Hank grinned. Connor blushes from the pet name, feeling his heart go doki doki.

 

Suddenly, some fucker called Nines walks in like he owns the place. Why is the door always unlocked?

“Oh, hi guys”, he says, ruining the moment. “Oh, hi Nines”, Hak grumbled.

“I’m gonna go and take a nap”, said Connor, skipping lines from the movie named The Ro- I mean, he is saying this line at the right time.

 

Hank and Connor walk upstairs, leaving Nines awkwardly standing in the living room. Nines eats an apple that is surprisingly real. He is disappointed because he likes the paper apples used on sets more. He decides to walk upstairs, too, knowing damn well no one is taking no naps today.

 

As expected, Hank and Connor are doing their famous foreplay, also known as pillow fight. It’s awkward. _‘They don’t even know how to properly fight with pillows’_ , thought Nines, who then proceeds to jump into the bed with them. Hank and Connor beat him up with the pillows.

 

“Nines, don’t you have something else to do?” Hank asks.

“I just like to watch you guys”, said the second Connor.

“Nasty boy”, Connor said, poking his … uh, twin brother’s nose? Even nastier, unless you’re into family business.

“Two is great, but three is a crowd”, says Hank who is not a fan of crowds because he is old and boring.

“Kk you don’t want me here, I’ll go and do my homework”, Nines, the human send my middle school, said and left the bedroom.

“Get the fuck outta here, Nines”, the two lovers said before starting to make out.

 

Hank and Connor always had odd sex. For some reason, they just danced around the bed, undressing and then poking each other with roses. Ouch, watch the thorns. Some Titanic music is playing on the background as they awkwardly kiss and Hank humps against Connor’s navel. Basic straight people sex, expect it’s even worse because they are gay and they have the good smut.

  


In the morning at 28 minutes Hank leaves for work and Connor is left alone. And Connor feels like a bad boy.

 

Later on the day (Connor has no work to go to because he is the twink and a cum bucket), but his dear old mother Amanda with cancer visits him at noon.

“You look sad, Conner”, said Amanda.

“It’s ConnOr. You named me”, Connor corrected her.

“Okay, something is wrong with my Conener, let’s go to the couch because that’s were humans like to discuss things.”

 

Amanda leads Connor to the couch that is covered in a blanket in hopes of covering the odd white stains on the actual couch.

 

“Okay, mom. I’m having some love troubles”, the twink confessed. “Hank is … so boring.”

“You have known him for over five years”, Amanda said, but later in the movie it’s apparently seven years, and I am confused which one it is.

Amanda sighs. “You said you love him, AND he supports you, AND he provides for you, AND you can’t support yourself.”

Thanks mom.

“I’ve heard Hank even wants to buy you a house!” Amanda said.

“That’s why he is so boring!” Connor shouted, because he fucking hated houses. All he wanted was a room. Just one.

 

“Hank has bought you like, a shit ton of stuff. You should marry Hank, he’ll be good for you”, said the cancer mother who sounds like an ass at the moment.

“I guess you’re right”, said Connor, his inner need for a sugar daddy coming out suddenly. Maybe he can just keep pretending he isn’t allergic to all those fucking roses Hank keeps buying him.

 

“Look, I gotta go”, says Amanda who JUST got there. She gets up and leaves. Connor is already writing in his mental diary about how much of a bitch Amanda is.

  


Connor still feels like a bad boy, so he sits down, calls to Hank’s best friend and waits for the man to answer. While waiting he keeps looking at the framed photos of spoons. God, Connor loved spoons, especially when inserted.

 

“Heya wassup”, Gavin the rat man Reed answered the phone.

“Want a quick fuck? Your wife hates this site! Local hot twinks nearby you want to suck your dick! Register now. No fake accounts, no money needed but we still need your credit card number, the expiration date and the three wacky numbers in the back”, Connor said to the phone.

“Fuck, I’m coming over”, said Gavin Reed, who wasn’t lying because soon he was right at the room’s door, wanting to get the fuck in.

 

“Oh hello, get in”, Connor said, forcing Gavin to sit down as he serves him a drink for no reason. Connor then gives those fox eyes at Gavin that makes his dick swing around like a tail. “It’s getting hot in here”, Connor sang, taking off his CyberLife jacket. “So take off all your clothes.”

 

Gavin is shaking his head. He is confused.

 

“I mean, the candles ---”

 

_What candles?_

 

“The music --”

 

_What music?!_

 

“The sexy dress --”

 

**_WHAT SEXY DRESS??!_ **

 

“Something doesn’t seem right here.”

 

Connor rolls his eyes because Gavin is so stupid it’s sexy. He climbs onto his lap and stares at him with wide eyes. “I want you, lover boy.”

“Noooo”, Gavin whined. “Hank is my best friend.”

 

Connor is not satisfied. “But I love you.”

“Hank is my best friend”, said Gavin.

“I don’t love Hank anymore”, said Connor.

“Hank is my best friend”, said Gavin.

“I want you”, said Connor.

“Hank is my best friend”, said Gavin.

“I’m gonna kiss you now”, said Connor.

“Oh I guess we’re fucking”, said Gavin.

 

Despite his incredible martial art skills, Gavin still ends up giving up the fight and fucks Connor on the staircase. Despacito plays in the background as Gavin also fucks Connor’s navel for straight five minutes, thinking he is real good with his dick.

 

“God, why did you do this to me?” said Gavin, suddenly fully clothed and blaming this all on Connor. Connor is sad.

“Hank is my best friend”, said Gavin, again.

“Didn’t you like it?” Connor asked, his dick still pointed up at the roof.

“Yeah, I did”, the rat admitted. “But we can’t do this anymore, okay? HANK IS MY BEST FRIEND.”

“Jeez, okay”, Connor said.

 

For some reason they continue making out, even if this was just a one time hookup. Who knows why.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happen next? Is Gavin an actual rat? Is Connor maybe a twunk? Will I actually finish this and write every scene from 'The Room' but with Detroit characters? Find out in the next episode!


	2. Chapter 2

  
  


So here comes the best scene.

 

Hank parks in front of the flower shop called Jericho (clever, huh?). He walks inside, taking off his sunglasses, the kind of glasses blind people wear so you can’t see their blind eyes. Or the kind of glasses the FBI men wear to look cool and mysterious. Anyway.

 

“Hi”, says Hank, walking over to the counter.

“Hi, can I help you? This is the flower shop”, says uhhh Chloe, she has no role in this movie yet, even though she looks like Lisa.

“Yeah, can I have a dozen red roses, please?” asked Hank. He thinks he is so damn romantic, always wasting his money on roses even if Connor is allergic to them and might be dying.

“Oh, hi Hank, I didn’t know it was you”, said the flower shop owner who was probably actually blind, because how the hell did she not see a man like Hank enter the store? No one dresses up in ugly shirts like that.

The flower shop owner, also known as Chloe, takes a random bouquet of roses and gives it to Hank. “That’s me”, Hank answers to her almost ten seconds late. “How much is it?”

“It will be 420 dollars”, Chloe lied because she wanted money, then laughed because lol the weed number.

“Here you go, keep the change”, Hank said, giving a dollar bill with a number ‘20’ on it. He then took the flowers and pet the large st. bernard doggo named SUMO GOOD BOY that was sitting on the counter.

“Hi, doggy!” Hank said happily before leaving.

“You’re my favorite customer”, said Chloe. This line means that Hank buys fucking roses every day because he think roses will fix every relationship.

“Thanks again, bye”, said Hank as he left.

“Bye”, said Chloe.

“Bye”, said Hank.

  
  
  


At home, Connor is ordering pizza because pizza is nice and good. He says his order but doesn’t tell his address. Have fun with that, delivery man.

There is a knock on the door so Connor opens the door to see the weird kid Nines standing by his door. How many times did I say ‘door’ in one sentence. It is unclear if Nines is just a random kid Connor and Hank are looking after like a pair of straight parents, or if Nines is Connor’s twin brother. It is unclear. I don’t know what I am doing.

 

“Hi, Nines”, Connor smiled at him.

“Hi. I’m doing good. Let’s skip the small talk. What’s new?” said Nines who refuses to close the FUCKING door.

“I’m really busy right now, because I ordered some pizza”, Connor said. “But do you still want a drink?”

“No, thanks. I just need to talk to Hank”, said Nines, still refusing to close the door. It’s like he doesn’t quite know if he is staying or soon leaving, so here he is, keeping the damn door open.

 

“You look beautiful today”, Nines complimented Connor who looks exactly like him expect Connor is more of a puppy and less like an anime yaoi dude.

“Can I kiss you?” Nines said. Now he is a creepy anime yaoi dude.

“Ew no”, Connor stick out his tongue.

“Lol jk it was just a joke, I wouldn’t even touch you with a stick”, said Nines the nice guy.

 

“Weird flex but ok”, Connor said. “Hank will be here soon. Wanna wait?”

“Uhh I gotta go”, Nines said. For some reason, meeting Hank is suddenly not so important and he needs to run off somewhere else. “Byeeee.”

“Ok byeee.”

  
  


Hank drives home, singing; “I’m in ma own car, vroom vroom.”

Hank opens the door to get out of the car. “Get out the car!! Aaw.”

 

“Hi babe. These are for you”, Hank said once he had stepped inside ‘The Room’ film set. Connor took the flowers, then sneezed. “Aw jeez thanks.”

 

“Did you get your promotion?” Connor asked.

“No”, said Hank and sat down on the couch. Connor put the roses up his ass -- I mean, in a vase. “You didn’t get the promotion, did you?”

“No, I did nawt.”

 

Hank is pissed off, because he hasn’t gotten a promotion even though he is doing so much good for the bank or where ever he works at. I’m pretty sure that’s not how banks work but whatever.

 

“Do you want me to order a pizza?” Connor asked, who already ate the first pizza that never came.

“Whatever, I don’t care”, Hank said because he didn’t care because he is old and now really sad because everyone betrays him.

“You need a drink, Hank”, Connor suggested, even if he knew Hank was a recovering alcoholic. Not cool, Connor.

“I don’t drink”, Hank said.

“Here, take some booze”, Connor said, offering him whiskey.

“I don’t drink”, Hank said again, putting the beer down.

Connor grabbed the wine glass and put it back onto Hank’s hand. “If you love me, drink this milk.”

Hank drinks the conke cola. “You’re right, this tastes good.”

 

To show that they are drunk, Hank is laughing (aha-ha-ha) and Connor has a tie wrapped around his head. Funny !!!

 

Connor starts giggling because Hank is now just pretending to drink the juice because it’s falling down onto his shirt, exposing his hard fist-sized nipples. Hank drops the glass and it shatters on the ground. He doesn’t care, he is fed up with this world!

“You have nice legs, Connor”, Hank smiled.

“You have nice tits”, Connor said back, pointing at his breasts. Hank laughs.

“I’m tired, I’m wasted, I love you darling!” Hank sang.

“K cool make love to me”, Connor said, suddenly still interested in Hank, or maybe it’s because he drank so much adult juice.

 

And then they make love. In the exact same way as last time. No wonder why Connor wants to cheat on Hank.

  
  
  
  
  


Ok this is like a day later from the sex okok bye.

 

“So I’m organizing a party for Hank’s birthday. Can you come?” Connor asked his mum.

“When is it, Coner?” Amanda asked.

“Next Friday at six o’clockkk”, Coner, I mean Connor wow such a hard name, said. “It’s a surprise party so SHHHH.”

“Man I love SURPRISES”, Amanda yelled out. Then she proceeded to whine about her ex-husband Fowler or whatever who wants her house because he is a greedy bastard. While she is talking, Connor is visiting his mental diary, writing what a BITCH amanda was.

 

“No one wants to help me”, Amanda said, making Connor come back to the real world. “And I’m dying!”

“You’re not dying, mom”, Connor said. He could tell because there was no blood and blood means death right.

“I got the results of the test back. I definitely have breast cancer”, Amanda said. What test is she talking about, a Buzzfeed quiz or something?

“Don’t worry about it, everything will be okay dokay”, Connor said because that’s the kind of support a cancer patient needs.

 

“At least you have a good man to look after you!!” Amanda said, drinking from her blue tea. The blue tea is a reference to her actually drinking tea, and it’s blue because of thirium aka blue blood.

“YOU’RE WRONG”, Connor shouted. “Mom, Hank is not what you think he is. He didn’t get his promotion, and that is a good reason to break up with him. And … he got drunk last night (definitely not because I made him drink). And he hit me.”

 

FAKE NEWS.

 

“But Hank doesn’t drink … anymore”, Amanda said. “Makes no sense.”

“Mooooom, I don’t love him anymore”, Connor whined.

“Lol but Hank is rich, you can’t break up with him”, said Amanda the asshole of the year.

“Ugghhh ok mom can we talk later”, Connor said.

“WOW you don’t wanna talk to me”, Amanda said, standing up. Connor rolls his eyes because his mother is a BITCH and he doesn’t like that Amanda is just after money.

 

“Bye Amandaaaa let’s never talk about the cancer again”, said Connor as Amanda left.

  
  
  
  
  


Now here comes the fun stuff.

 

Two fucking strangers named North and Markus step inside ‘The Room’ and look around curiously. Why the fuck is the door unlocked? Why are they there? What?

They hold hands as they walk to the couch and North turns around to look at Markus who keeps munching on something. “How much time do we have?” North asked, doing the flirty flirt.

 

“Uh, I don’t know. Couple of hours”, Markus answered, holding a box of whatever, let’s say socks. 

“Well, let’s have some fun”, North laid down on the couch, trying to look sexy but she just seemed awkward because this wasn’t her fucking house.

 

Markus proceeds to open the box. Oh, it’s chocolate, not socks. Bummer.

“Did you know that umm … chocolate is the symbol of love?” Markus said, stuttering through his words. I wonder where he got this amazing fact from.

“Beep beep”, says North.

Markus places the chocolate into her mouth and then proceeds to kiss her just to steal the chocolate back into his mouth. Okay, fucking fat ass, let North have some chocolate too. Markus then places a chocolate over North’s hakuna matatas and eats it from there. It just feels awkward, trust me, I’ve tried.

“Mhhfmit’sdelicosusfmf”, Markus said.

“What”, said North.

“Mhhhit’sdelciosu”, Markus said.

“Huh??”

“Mhitsdellcis.”

“Really cool, Markus.”

 

They sit up properly so North can say, “Arms up!”, and then Markus can lift his arms up like a toddler. North pulls off his shirt while Markus continues being the big baby he is, still more focused on the chocolate than the actual woman in front of her. Have you seen North? Oohlala.

 

“Chocolate is a symbol of love”, says North, taking credit for Markus’ knowledge. She then feeds Markus the chocolate and starts kissing down his body. But before Markus’ pants are even off, he is creaming in his pants while making super odd facial expressions as some kind of exercise, because hey, a tough guy like him has to work out his face muscles, too!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> why the fuck are you reading this shit  
> i mean, why the fuck are markus and north fucking in connor's and hank's apartment? why is connor lying, why he always lying, mmm oh my god, stop fucking lying


	3. Chapter 3

 

Meanwhile in Detroit, Markus and North have just finished fucking well GASP the owner of the fucking house- I mean room opens the door and comes in. Connor starts giggling and his bitch mom Amanda is disgusted with what she sees.

 

“uWu hELLo??” Amanda says as Markus puts his shirt back on, the wrong way. “What are these characters doing here, Connir?”

“They like to come here to do their .. homework”, Connor says, knowing damn well his excuse is fucking ass. Amanda doesn’t believe him at all. “Ugh, mum, this is North’s boyfriend Markus. Markus, this is my MOM.”

Markus tries to shake Amanda’s hand but god know’s where his hand has been. Amanda sighs and looks like she is gonna throw up.

Markus gets no handshake so he leave, crying. “UhHuh”, North says for some reason as she leaves with the chocolates, now covered in some white stuff. Ew.

 

Amanda sits down on the couch and sighs. “All that shopping wore me out!” she said, expect they had no shopping bags so what the fuck where they buying, cancer?

 

Before Connor can open the door, some stupid fuc -- Nines jumps in. “HeYY Connor”, he said. 

“Mom this is Nines I promise he is not my brother and Nines this is my mom and she is not your mom even though we look like twins but we are not”, Connor said.

“HOW MANY PEOPLE COME IN AND OUT OF THIS APARTMENT EVERY DAY?” said Amanda, the only sane person here.   
“I just need to borrow some sugar”, said Nines. He actually just wanted to see Connor because he is a vegan and sugar is murder.

“I also need to borrow the rest of your kitchen”, Nines continued. Creedy bitch.

“Doesn’t your own home have a kitchen, second Conir??” Amanda asked.

“No, actually, because I am a poor america student and in america we like beer and we respeccc our flag more than we respecc the working people so that’s why I live in this fucking shed where lights don’t work and I have my bed inside the freezer because that’s how tiny it is so you better shut your mouth you baby boomer”, said Nines before he left and left the door open because he liked leaving things open.

  
  


“Whomst Nines”, Amanda asked.

“Uhhh Hank wanted to adopt Nines for some reason, and he is like paying for his rent lol idk why Nines is complaining”, Connor explained. 

“Ah ok ok cool don’t hurt Hank”, Amanda said, looking very angery.

 

Suddenly Markus joins the party again, coming in like he forgot something. And he indeed did. He pulled out his underwear from under Amanda’s ass - they were white with red hearts on them. Amanda laughed at him and Markus ran away, crying like a baby.

 

“If I were a burglar, you’d be my best friend”, Amanda said, getting very touchy with her ConCon.

“Look, I don’t wanna talk about it”, Connor laughed.

“Bitch, you never wanna talk. Whatever, I gotta go now suddenly even though I just came in”, Amanda said, standing up, missing the feeling of those underwear stuck against her ass. She left as quickly as her husband came and Connor was left alone.

 

“Oh my GOD!!!!” Connor whined, for some fucking reason.

  
  


\--

  
  
  


Nines is on the roof of the eiffel tower, playing with that brown american football that curves nicely against your prostato. But then, someone also comes up to the roof !! It’s Leo, and he is wearing a tank top and a beanie because he can’t decide if it’s hot or cold, if it’s yes or a no, you’re in and you’re out, you’re up and your down.

 

“Hey, Nines”, Leo said as he stomped over to him.

“Heyyyyy Leo I’ve been looking for ya!!!” Nines said. This was an obvious lie, because Nines didn’t want to see this ugly fucker for reasons I can’t say yet because otherwise I would spoil the plot. 

“K cool do you have my money????” Leo asked. It’s obvious now it’s something related to money.

Nines stutters: “Yeah, the money is coming. It will be here in a few minutes.”  This was a shit excuse because now it sounds like the money has legs and it’s coming up to the roof any second now. Imagine that. Money having its own mind and will to do stuff. It would be a revolution.

Leo isn’t happy about that. He leans in so close it looks like he is going for a kiss. “Where is my money???? Fuck ???? Give money pls ??? Need to get this bread???”

 

“J-just g-give m-me f-f-five mi-minutes, o-okay?” Nines mumbled because he is scared because he owes this guy some money he doesn’t actually have and that is scary because Leo is a big boy and he could beat him up any second which makes this scene very scary.

“FIVE MINUTES???” Leo yells and pulls out a gun out of hi ass. “I DON’T HAVE FIVE MINUTES??? I’M VERY BUSY???”

 

He forces Nines down onto his knees, making him face down the ground while he points the gun at the back of his head. His hand is wrapped around his throat as he quietly murmurs: “Where’s my fucking money?”

Nines’ dick goes hard in seco-- no wait, this is a bad ship, I hate it. Let’s not.

 

“UUUUHHHHH I don’t have the moneyyy”, Nines cries out. Leo is very mad now.

 

Now at this point Hank Anderson (the dude about to marry a cheating twink) and his best friend Gavin (who is fucking the cheating twink) come up to the roof and attack the guy with a gun. That’s … very dangerous to do, because Leo could just fire accidentally and fucking kill Nines, but who cares. The two men fight against a man with a gun, and Gavin is so strong he manages to get the gun off of him.

 

“WhAt’s gOing on hERE?” Connor shouted out with Amanda standing next to him. No one knows how the fuck they got on the roof, but here they are anyway.

 

“Let’s take him to the police”, Hank says, completely calm as he and Gavin escort the man out. Connor and Amanda rush over to Nines who is crying and wetting his pants.

 

“Euuuaaaaagghh what did that man want from you?” Connor asked.

“I owe him some money”, Nines said.

“What kind of money?”

“I owe him some money.”

“WHat kIND OF MONEY??”

“MONOPOLY MONEY.”

 

Amanda rolls her eyes. “Jesus fuck Nines, that’s a dangerous man because he had a gun.”

“K cool he is going to jail”, Nines said. “And also I bought some drugs off of him lol. But it doesn’t matter cos I don’t have those drugs anymore.”

“WHAT KIND OF DRUGS DID YOU TAKE????” Connor shouts, his face red from all the crying.

“You are dumb lol”, Amanda laughed.

“Stop ganging up on me, I only like certain ganging ups”, Nines whimpered.

“Where did you meet such a dangerous hunk?” Amanda asked.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It matters a great deal! I am into some gun play and --”, Connor slaps his hand over Amanda’s mouth because SHUT THE FUCK UP.

“You’re not my fucking mother”, Nines shouted. Oh, how wrong he was because in the actual universe Amanda is basically his mother because play Detit Becum Hum.

  
  


Hank and Gavin teleport back to the roof and they all do a big nice group hug yay. “Let’s go home”, Hank said, even though they were basically already home.

So they ignore Leo because no way in that time they managed to take him to the cops or anything, and they ignore Nines’ big gay drug problem so everything is good

  
  


Later, Gavin gets an interesting phone call.

“UwU I miss you”, Connor purred on the other end of the line.

“I’m not at the beach, this is the bathtub. I mean, I just saw you, the fuck”, Gavin answered him, laying down close to some candles in hopes of burning himself alive accidentally.

Connor giggles. “I just wanted to hear your sexy voice. I keep thinking about your strong hands around my body. It excites me so much”, he said. Although, Hank has much stronger arms, why doesn’t he want those around his throat?

 

“Why are you like this”, Gavin asked.

“Because I love you”, Connor purred like a cat, meow. “Mh, men. You just don’t care, now do you???”

“I do care. I just don’t wanna fuck”, Gavin said back to him. Gavin secretly loved his best friend Hank, and not Connor.

“Fine, bye bye, I suddenly gotta go”, Connor cried and ended the call like a drama queen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What will happen next??? Is Leo ever gonna be seen again (no)?? Is Nines still gonna do drugs (no)??? Is this fic ever gonna get any better (nonono)???


	4. Chapter 4

“I did not hit him! It’s not true! It’s bullshit! I did not hit him, I did not!” Hank shouted, throwing his water bottle on the ground before looking over to his right. “Oh, hi, rat man.”

“What the fuck did you just call me you little bitch”, Gavin said, playing with his ball. Just one ball. Foot ball. Sike.

“I have a problem with Connor. He said I hit him??? Like when??” Hank whimpered, sitting down on the garden bench thingy or whatever, why is this roof so nicely decorated.

“Well, did you?”

“NO! Don’t even ask. Don’t. Just don’t”, Hank muttered, resting heavily against his seat.

Gavin rolled his ball in his hand. “... Did you hit him?”

 

In another universe, Hank would beat his ass right now. But in this stupid fic Hank asks: “What’s up with you?”

“Not now Hank, I’m contemplating shit”, Gavin said. “Oh, I do have a question for you.”

“Yeh.”

 

“Do you think girls like to cheat like guys I mean no wait this question doesn’t work with this fic because Connor is Lisa but Connor is not a girl or is he anyway uhh Hank do you think gays cheat like straight guys?” Gavin asked.

“What makes you say that, gays are great because I am big ol gay”, Hank said, furrowing his thick ass brows- oh wait it kinda looks like they aren’t that thicc, well fuck.

“Idk I’m just thinking because I came up to this roof to think about stuff, maybe I should just jump”, Gavin stood up and walked at the edge of the roof, peeking down before deciding to just lean his back against the railing made out of bricks, i don’t know the english word.

 

Hank looks up at the sky, seeing his old gay lover there named uhh woman. “I don’t have to worry about that because Connor is loyal to me”, says the man about his husbando who just lied about being abused. You’re so clever Hank.

“yEaH mAN yOu nEvEr knOW”, Gavin hinted because he had fucked Connor remember guys. “People are very strange these days. I knew a dude who had a dozen guys (cos he was gay too). One of them found out about it and beat him up so bad he ended up at a hospital on Squirrel street.”

Hank laughs because that’s a funny story. “What a funny story, Gavin”, he said after hearing that funny story.

“Yeah, you can say that again.”

 

Hank stands up and walks over to the ledge or whatever and leans against it. He taps Gavin on the shoulder - possible Gank??? idk sounds kinda gay -. “I’m so happy to have you as my best friend, and I love Connor so much”, Hank said. Ouch, Gavin feels bad now because he wants to fuck Hank, too. Threesome?

“Yeah yeah you’re lucky”, Gavin said, half crying.

“Maybe you should get a man, too. Or a girl, eugh”, Hank suggested.

Gavin dramatically walks away. “Yeah, maybe you’re right …. maybe I have one already DUN DUN DUUUN.”

 

“What about your ex?” Hank asked.

“She’s at the hospital in Squirrel street”, said Gavin, winking at the camera. Gavin goes and sits down. “I can’t figure gays out. Sometimes, I am just too smart, sometimes I’m real dumb dumb, other times I’m just evil. No wait, I’m not evil. I’m gay.”

“It seems to me that you’re the EXPERT, Gavin”, Hank said loudly and happily, tossing his sweaty ass hair to the side before walking back over to Gavin, his old secret lover who he still has dreams about -- was this fic Hankcon? I’m sorry I won’t stop.

“No I’m not an expert”, Gavin giggled because he is a sorry ass virgin at 37 or how old he was again, fucking loser hasn’t even kissed anyone yet.

 

“What’s bothering you????” Hank said because his friend didn’t accept the compliment. Gavin turns away and walks away and turns his back away to Hank and he goes away or at least tries to go away.

“Nothing man.”

Hank grabs him by his arm, squeezing at those tight muscles while his dick pulsated in his pants from the thought of PRAYING TO OUR LORD JESUS CHRIST AMEN.

“What’s going on Gavin why don’t you talk to me we are all gay here are you keeping a secret from me because if you are i already know you wet the bed at 4:20 am every friday the 13th but if this isn’t about that secret then i think you’re fucking my future husband connor but thats okay i am poly i can take two dicks up my ass so it would be great that you would just tell us that you fucked connor and that you love your best friend who is me so we could just get together and make this work oops spoilers for the end anywya hows your sex life i mean are you keeping a secret from me gavin why dont you talk to me?”

 

Gavin put the football up Hank’s ass and left the roof. “Talk to you later!!!” he said before rushing out the door.

“Whatever”, Hank muttered, tossing the ball up to the sky.

  
  


As Gavin leaves, Nines enters the rooftop because the rooftop is a great place to hang out in if you’re depressed. “Hi, Hank. Let’s ignore my drug problems, what’s up with Gavin?”

“He is a cranky boi today uwu”, Hank chuckled.

“Ok let’s toss the ball around a bit because I looooove football but don’t know the rules so I just wanna toss the ball around”, said Nines who loved football but didn’t know the rules to the game so he just wanted to toss the ball around.

“K cool”, said Hank and threw the ball at Nines’ face, ouch.

 

“I gotta tell you about something”, Nines said, squinting his eyes like the sun was shining over his face but there was no sun because sun doesn’t exist in Detroit Become human i mean did you play the game all scenes have rain in them or whatever. “It’s about Connor.”

“Oh ok”, said Hank. Why is everyone suddenly all over Connor?? Mhhm.

“He’s hot as a bread stick”, Nines said. “And I got a bread stick in my pants whenever I see him. I think I’m in love with him.”

“Omg not you, too”, Hank sighed. “Connor is just a dumb twink who likes to licc stuff why do you all wanna bang him.”

“Hashtag Connor Army”, said Nines.

 

Hank smacks his lips. “Don’t worry about thaat. Connor loves you too, as a person, as a human being, as a **bröther**. People don’t have to say it. They can feel it.”

“What”, Nines said.

“You can love someone and there is nothign wrong with it.If a lot of people love each other, a world will be a better place.”

“I still don’t get your point”, Nines said.

“DON’T WORRY ABOUT IT. You are ;) part of our ;) FAMILY ;). We love youuuu and we will help youu”, Hank said. “And Connor loves you too. But as a friend. Fuck you, you friendzoned bitch.”

 

“Anyway, what about uhhhh some other gay character lets say Josh”, Hank asked.

“Well”, Nines said. “I love him too but we don’t exist as a ship.”

“K cool whatver let’s go eat hUh”, Hank said, wrapping his arms around Nines and then they jumped off the roof because taking the stairs takes too fucking long ok bye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh hi im death i wrote this in an hour  
> whats gonna happen in the next episode? is it gonna be bad (yes)? is it gonna take me 5 years to post it (probably)? could you please check out my other fics and not read this fucking disaster (pls?? this is shit??? jk i love you)


	5. Chapter 5

“So how’s Hank?” North asked, laying on the couch in that ‘draw me like one of your french girls’ poses expect she had wine in her hand to show this was girl talk - time uwu lets paint our nails and do our hair. “He didn’t get his promotion!!! This means he can’t buy me more ugly shit!! That’s why I’m fucking Gavin!!!” Connor whined, also drinking wine. His nails have been painted in rainbow colours to show he is gay as fuck.

“Is Hank disappointed?” North asked. “Duh”, Connor said. “In FACT, Hank was so disappointed he got drunk last night and he hit me.”

FAKE NEWSSSSS.

“He hit you???” North gasped. Connor just shrugs and rubs his face for a moment, pretending it hurt. “He didn’t know what he was doing … neither did I ‘cos it didn’t happen .. anyway pls give me attention… i’m so EVIL.”

“Are u k cool Con”, North asked, pouring the wine over her head.

“Well, I ain’t gonna marry his drunk ass anymore that’s for sure”, Connor said.

“What lol Connor it was just one hit I mean the fuck why?”

Connor sets his android juice i mean normal wine down on the table. “I found another dick to ride lmao long live the king hashtag live young be gay and shit.”

North thinks Connor is an idiot, which he is. “Who are you fucking?? Don’t tell me you’re fucking that ugly ass rat man with that scar formed like a worm over his nose.”

“... Yeah I’m fucking him”, Connor said. “AND SHUT UP. His scar shaped like a little wiggly worm looks like his dick and its beautiful.”

 

North West sighs. “You’re selfish Con. You gotta tell Hank and like break up or whaevs.”

“I can’t ?? do that?? Like thanks for the advice?? but I’m not gonna take it?? Cos I like gettin attention ?? So like give me attention and help me but I aint gonna listennn???” Connor sang out like he was at the opera.

“Uhh Connor are you fucking serious”, North mumbled. This boy dumb.

“pls dont tell anyone im a thottt”, Connor begged. North rolls her eyes super hard and she goes blind.

 

 

 

AND THEN HANK WALKS IN (oh shit Hank walks in).

  


“What the fuck is up Con no what did you say step the fuck up”, Hank said as he entered the living room aka girl pillow fight zone that sadly will never happen cry emoji. He sits down in his favorite chair that is covered in his cool grey hair because hank is probably getting bald.

“Um, girl talk”, Connor said, eating the glass but not the wine.

“This is fuckinggg awkward I’m gonna go byeeee umm Connor this is gonna make Hank even more suspicious but REMEMBER WHAT I SAID YOU HO”, said East no I men North before she teleported out of existance excistance how the uck do you write it i dont know english.

 

“What the fuck was that about” Hank asked.

“None of your businesssss”, Connor said, sitting down on the couch.

Hank stands up and takes off his jacket OOOH LALAAA his hawaii ugly shirt is so fucking hOT im straight for a 60-year-old clancy rbown yes that’s right anywya back tot he fic. “I never hit you”, Hank said. “Also you should tell me everything, like your secrets and your bank account numbers and shit cos I’m your future husband.”

Hank throws his jacket on the couch next to Connor and sits back down. Connor frowns. “Ya sure about that? Ya sure? Maybe I’ll change my mind”, Concon said.

“Wha”, Hank said.

“What do you think I mean?? Ppl can change their mind”, Connor insisted.

Hank giggles and snorts and whatever sounds people make when they laugh. “Hhahahahaahaha you must be kidding aren’t you pls tell em youare joking im gonna cry.”

 

“Look I don’t wanna talk about it”, Connor said. “Now, I’m gonna go upstairs, wash up and go to bed.”

He stands up, but so does Hank and because Hank is so fucking tall and big and strong he pushes Connor back dow on the couch. “Um, bitch, how dare you talk to me like that. You should tell me everything.”

Connor gives Hank a death stare, trying to get the laser eyes working. “I can’t talk right now”, said Connor despite being able to talk. Hank sits down next to him, crying. “Why Connor, why?! Please talk to me, please! You’re part of my life. I could not go on without you.”

 

Aww.

 

“.... You’re scaring me”, Connor said and stood up, trying to leave.

 

Not aww.

 

Hank stands up too.

“You’re lying, I never hit you!” Hank shouted. He then did the thingy with his fists like fists pumping the air or like pulling something down with both of his hands -- you know what go watch The Room to see the hand movement he makes because i am writing this shit with one hand in my pants because tommy wiseau is so fucking hotttt and i am too depressed to write this crack shit properly hh anyway  


“YOU’RE TEARING ME APART CONNOR!!!”

clapclapclapclap

 

“Why are you so hysterical??” Connor asked before Hank pushed him back down on the couch. Fuck they are moving so much the fuck, decide if you’re gonna stand or not. Connor’s knees are hurting from all the standing and sitting and standing and sitting.

“Do you understand life? Do you?” Hank shouted, sitting back on the couch. Connor, in fact, did not understand life. He didn’t understand much anyway.

Connor stands up, again, and walks over to the stairway to heaven. “Don’t worry about it. Everything will be alright”, the liar lied, what a liar, lying is bad.

“You drive me crazy!” Hank shouted. “And not in a good way!”

“It’s 7PM but I’m going to bed now. I am definitely not angry at you”, Connor said before walking up the stairs that went round and round, round and round, round and round.

“K cool I still love youu this is not how you end a fighhtttt but byeeee”, Hank said, deciding to sleep on the sof like a pussy.

  


 

 

Ok another day, another uhhhh weird scene that is unnecessary and has nothing to do with the story and i dont wanna fucking write it so uhh here i go

hank is in some back alley or whatever and markus the big closet gay comes up to him and they shake hands and markus decides to tell that story when he and his gf north were making out at hank’s place for some reason and hank is all like why are you telling me this  and why were you fucking at my place but anyway markus tells the story of how he and north banged in their house but then they had to stop cos amanda and connor came in do you guys remember?? anyway markus tells hank how amanda had uhh shown his underwear around and markus is all embarrassed but hey he told the story cos he wants attention right and guys like to tell sex stories or whatever and hank is like “hey thats life” and pats him ont he back ok byee

 

Nines comes in with a football up his ass. “Yall --- ahhh,,,, --- wanna play some b.-ahh -ballll??” he asks.

 

“Uhnooo sorry I’m gonna go and make out with North soon”, Markus said because he is straight yes very straight where is simon.

 

Aaand then they play football. And then they talk over each other. And then Gavin comes in. And then they say hi to Gavin. And then Gavin asks what the fuck they doing. And then Hank says they are talking about underwear. And then Markus is all embarrassed. And then Gavin says “underwear?” And then Gavin pushes Markus down. And then Markus is hurt. And then Nines asks if he is okay like three times. And then Markus suddenly has a concussion. And then Gavin and Markus leave. And then Nines and Hank are alone. And then Hank wants to go home. And then they go home. And then I kill myself. And then I end this chapter before I die.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> uMMm heyy 0!!=! More quality contenttttttttt


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